This year, I really want to open up and share more personal things on my blog and social media. It’s quite scary (I’m not going to lie) and I feel very vulnerable but I definitely think it’ll help someone and help me in some ways to find closure as well.
I find writing really helps me put things into perspective and I do consider my blog as an online diary. My life has pretty much turned upside down recently which isn’t surprising because it’s something that I’ve been dealing with for years now.
It’ll probably explain a lot of things for instance why I’m not able to take pictures whenever I want and my anxiety & things as such. So if you are interested then keep on reading.
Related: Moving & Living Abroad
Starting with the one that I’m coming with terms with and probably the one which might give you a bit more perspective into my life. Ever since I was very young I suffered from anxiety and I never realised it until a couple of weeks ago, strange right? I always assumed that my anxiety was just stress or me being shy. I didn’t think that my anxiety was formed or triggered by something else..
Growing up, I was made fun of my body. My skinny body. From people who were supposed to be my family – my blood – to random strangers I didn’t even know. I thought it was the norm. I hated my body and the way it looked. My mum was really insecure about my body which I don’t blame her because we were both in a toxic and unhealthy environment. We were both in this together.
I would wear layers of clothes whether it was during the summer or wintertime, not because I was feeling cold or had a weak immune system – not at all. But because of people who were supposed to be my ‘family’ were bullying me.
I was belittled for the food I was eating because I didn’t like/want to eat chicken, meat or sea food. Pretty messed up, right? I was looked down upon because of the choice I made which was to be a vegetarian. Every single day was hell. I really thought something was wrong with me.
Fast forward to a couple of years ago, I moved to the UK. There were so many vegetarian options and this was the time I experimented & tried a lot of different foods from different cuisine and countries. I loved it!
This was around the time my anxiety was at its peak and I didn’t even realise it. Food was my comfort. When I started to notice that I couldn’t fit into my clothes, I was so proud of it. I wanted to make my entourage proud of me.
It’s only when I went to college and people were making fun of my body that I realised I became ‘fat’ (which I hate this word). I went from a size S to a size L within 3/4 months. I didn’t care what other people were saying because they didn’t see my skinny body and in my mind, I wasn’t fat or overweight. I was bullied so much for my skinny body so I wasn’t going to let some silly people at college tear me down again.
Soon enough I realised that I was feeling very tired and my body just wouldn’t work the way it used to be. Some days, even walking for a long period of time was tiring to me. I went to the GP for some basic tests/exams (which they do when you register to a new practitioner) and when my nurse was writing down my weight – she straightaway told me that I was becoming overweight. The shock.
I was 16 at that time and my mind couldn’t comprehend what I was going through. People bullied me for my skinny body and I struggled a lottt because of it during my childhood and teens. Now I was getting bullied for being fat and I was becoming overweight.
Now I know what you might be saying, why I jumped into another story without finishing the previous one. There is a reason. There’s no point in telling my story in a chronological order.
I’m pretty sure by reading what I wrote previously, you would have guessed that I’m in a dysfunctional family. I am not in a healthy and loving environment, and never was. My mum and I went through a lot, and still going through so many difficult things because of our ‘family’.
The man who was supposed to care, love and protect us was the one who manipulated, controlled and emotionally abused us. Here I said it, my mum and I were emotionally abused. Just because I wrote it in the past tense doesn’t mean the abuse part is over, it’s an ongoing battle we have to go through on an everyday basis.
The betrayals, lies, losses, toxicity, etc. it’s a lot to go through emotionally and physically. We have lost so many years of our life which we’ll never get back, is something we had to come with terms with. We have to put a smiley face on the outside but inside, we are broken into pieces.
Having a broken home was never something I felt ashamed or embarrassed about because it doesn’t define who we are as a person. On the other hand, living in a toxic and unhealthy environment/family is a whole other story – especially after I moved to the UK.
Back in France, I had a lot of friends whose parents were either divorced or separated, and going through one home from another every week. I knew some people whose situations differed with mine but overall were living in an unhealthy environment as well.
But here in London, it’s the complete opposite. All my friends come from loving families and their parents are happily together which I’m not saying I didn’t have any friends like that in France haha.
I do know you never know what happens behind closed doors but the point I’m trying to make is the fact that I’ve seen parents prioritise their children over their personal issues while I was in France, and now I see parents who are amicable towards each other despite their indifference here in the UK.
My mum is the sweetest and she probably has suffered the most for my sake which deeply hurts me. I’m ashamed to say that I come from a family that didn’t love my mother and I, and even more embarrassed to say that they were happy while making us suffer.
Anyone who has gone through emotional abuse knows you go through so many different stages of emotions. At first, you’re in denial. You don’t accept what is going on and you pretend that nothing is happening because you can’t handle the truth. Then you turn into an emotional mess. Everything makes you cry, you can’t see other children playing with their father, you can’t talk about something without getting emotional. You feel worthless. You are embarrassed that others will look down on you.
People usually grieve for a person they lost but in my case I grieved for my memories I made with that person. That person didn’t change or didn’t go from good to bad, that person was like that ever since the beginning. My mum and I were fooled by an illusion.
Next comes anger and hatred. You have cried all your tears, your heart has become cold and you want to get justice for what happened to you. You can’t forget nor forgive anyone because nobody deserves to be treated this way. The only thing you know for sure is you want others to know their real face and you want to get out of that situation.
There are a lot of scars which (might fade in time, who knows?) will still be there until my very last day. The only mistake both my mum and I made was the fact we believed our loved ones, way too much. We didn’t think outside the box and we were very secluded in the sense we didn’t know what life was really about.
We thought this was real life and it was completely normal but in fact it wasn’t. After years of abuse, we have decided to leave and start a new life. This was something we already made up our minds a couple of years ago but in an abusive relationship, things aren’t easy as they seem.
You can’t leave or go out the next day, if it was that easy then we’d have left years ago. Nobody deserves to live in an unsafe, manipulative and toxic environment. We put up with way too much. We were too patient, too naive, too kind and way too forgiving.
Body weight: After my visit to the GP, it was literally like a wake up call. I completely changed my diet, the main reason of my weight gain was food. I was eating huge portions whereas before I’d only eat smaller ones. After a couple of months, I started to lose weight – I went from 89 kg to 59 kg. Now I wear a size S/M depending on the brand and stores.
I wish I had appreciated my body back then, I know I can never have the body I once used to have (but never say never) but I’ve started to appreciate my curves. I’m yet to find my style, my old style doesn’t fit with my new body which I don’t mean it in a bad way but I want to feel comfortable and beautiful.
Something people don’t tell you about loosing weight is stretch marks. I pretty much have stretch marks everywhere! On my upper arms, tights, butt and I don’t feel comfortable wearing clothes that reveal them which I’m trying to work on it. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.
Mind: I have trust issues and I will probably never fully trust someone completely ever again, it’s something I have to live with it for the rest of my life. Seeing my parents marriage has made me realise what and how a marriage shouldn’t be but it has given me another fear as well. I’m scared to love someone. I don’t want my child to go through the same experience as I did. It’s probably the reason why I’m not dating or thinking about getting into a relationship. I don’t want to hurt someone and get hurt in that process. My mum has definitely been encouraging me to find someone (lol!). I don’t know, let’s see what happens I guess?
Environment: As I said above, my mum and I are planning to move out. It’s more difficult than we anticipated for but we want to get to the bottom of it. London is very expensive and quite scary when you think about the fact we only have each other to depend on. Hopefully we’ll finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I don’t want anyone to feel pity for me because that’s not the reason I wrote this post. I’m so grateful to have an online community who support me dearly, plus I do consider you as my family/friends. If you’ve read up until now, know that it’s very much appreciated. I know this year will be the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one, I wanted to bring all of you into my new life, home, chapter, beginning – whatever you want to call it! With that said, I’m turning my insecurity into a chapter in the past.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!