my biggest insecurity - new lune

My Biggest Insecurity

This year, I really want to open up and share more personal things on my blog and social media. It’s quite scary (I’m not going to lie) and I feel very vulnerable but I definitely think it’ll help someone and help me in some ways to find closure as well.

I find writing really helps me put things into perspective and I do consider my blog as an online diary. My life has pretty much turned upside down recently which isn’t surprising because it’s something that I’ve been dealing with for years now.

It’ll probably explain a lot of things for instance why I’m not able to take pictures whenever I want and my anxiety & things as such. So if you are interested then keep on reading.

Related: Moving & Living Abroad

 

MY BODY

Starting with the one that I’m coming with terms with and probably the one which might give you a bit more perspective into my life. Ever since I was very young I suffered from anxiety and I never realised it until a couple of weeks ago, strange right? I always assumed that my anxiety was just stress or me being shy. I didn’t think that my anxiety was formed or triggered by something else..

Growing up, I was made fun of my body. My skinny body. From people who were supposed to be my family – my blood – to random strangers I didn’t even know. I thought it was the norm. I hated my body and the way it looked. My mum was really insecure about my body which I don’t blame her because we were both in a toxic and unhealthy environment. We were both in this together.

I would wear layers of clothes whether it was during the summer or wintertime, not because I was feeling cold or had a weak immune system – not at all. But because of people who were supposed to be my ‘family’ were bullying me.

I was belittled for the food I was eating because I didn’t like/want to eat chicken, meat or sea food. Pretty messed up, right? I was looked down upon because of the choice I made which was to be a vegetarian. Every single day was hell. I really thought something was wrong with me.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago, I moved to the UK. There were so many vegetarian options and this was the time I experimented & tried a lot of different foods from different cuisine and countries. I loved it!

This was around the time my anxiety was at its peak and I didn’t even realise it. Food was my comfort. When I started to notice that I couldn’t fit into my clothes, I was so proud of it. I wanted to make my entourage proud of me.

It’s only when I went to college and people were making fun of my body that I realised I became ‘fat’ (which I hate this word). I went from a size S to a size L within 3/4 months. I didn’t care what other people were saying because they didn’t see my skinny body and in my mind, I wasn’t fat or overweight. I was bullied so much for my skinny body so I wasn’t going to let some silly people at college tear me down again.

Soon enough I realised that I was feeling very tired and my body just wouldn’t work the way it used to be. Some days, even walking for a long period of time was tiring to me. I went to the GP for some basic tests/exams (which they do when you register to a new practitioner) and when my nurse was writing down my weight – she straightaway told me that I was becoming overweight. The shock.

I was 16 at that time and my mind couldn’t comprehend what I was going through. People bullied me for my skinny body and I struggled a lottt because of it during my childhood and teens. Now I was getting bullied for being fat and I was becoming overweight.

Related: Eating Out As A Vegetarian | Tips & Tricks

 

MY HOME

Now I know what you might be saying, why I jumped into another story without finishing the previous one. There is a reason. There’s no point in telling my story in a chronological order.

I’m pretty sure by reading what I wrote previously, you would have guessed that I’m in a dysfunctional family. I am not in a healthy and loving environment, and never was. My mum and I went through a lot, and still going through so many difficult things because of our ‘family’.

The man who was supposed to care, love and protect us was the one who manipulated, controlled and emotionally abused us. Here I said it, my mum and I were emotionally abused. Just because I wrote it in the past tense doesn’t mean the abuse part is over, it’s an ongoing battle we have to go through on an everyday basis.

The betrayals, lies, losses, toxicity, etc. it’s a lot to go through emotionally and physically. We have lost so many years of our life which we’ll never get back, is something we had to come with terms with. We have to put a smiley face on the outside but inside, we are broken into pieces.

 

MY INSECURITY

Having a broken home was never something I felt ashamed or embarrassed about because it doesn’t define who we are as a person. On the other hand, living in a toxic and unhealthy environment/family is a whole other story – especially after I moved to the UK.

Back in France, I had a lot of friends whose parents were either divorced or separated, and going through one home from another every week. I knew some people whose situations differed with mine but overall were living in an unhealthy environment as well.

But here in London, it’s the complete opposite. All my friends come from loving families and their parents are happily together which I’m not saying I didn’t have any friends like that in France haha.

I do know you never know what happens behind closed doors but the point I’m trying to make is the fact that I’ve seen parents prioritise their children over their personal issues while I was in France, and now I see parents who are amicable towards each other despite their indifference here in the UK.

My mum is the sweetest and she probably has suffered the most for my sake which deeply hurts me. I’m ashamed to say that I come from a family that didn’t love my mother and I, and even more embarrassed to say that they were happy while making us suffer.

 

MY FEELINGS

Anyone who has gone through emotional abuse knows you go through so many different stages of emotions. At first, you’re in denial. You don’t accept what is going on and you pretend that nothing is happening because you can’t handle the truth. Then you turn into an emotional mess. Everything makes you cry, you can’t see other children playing with their father, you can’t talk about something without getting emotional. You feel worthless. You are embarrassed that others will look down on you.

People usually grieve for a person they lost but in my case I grieved for my memories I made with that person. That person didn’t change or didn’t go from good to bad, that person was like that ever since the beginning. My mum and I were fooled by an illusion.

Next comes anger and hatred. You have cried all your tears, your heart has become cold and you want to get justice for what happened to you. You can’t forget nor forgive anyone because nobody deserves to be treated this way. The only thing you know for sure is you want others to know their real face and you want to get out of that situation.

 

MY LIFE

There are a lot of scars which (might fade in time, who knows?) will still be there until my very last day. The only mistake both my mum and I made was the fact we believed our loved ones, way too much. We didn’t think outside the box and we were very secluded in the sense we didn’t know what life was really about.

We thought this was real life and it was completely normal but in fact it wasn’t. After years of abuse, we have decided to leave and start a new life. This was something we already made up our minds a couple of years ago but in an abusive relationship, things aren’t easy as they seem.

You can’t leave or go out the next day, if it was that easy then we’d have left years ago. Nobody deserves to live in an unsafe, manipulative and toxic environment. We put up with way too much. We were too patient, too naive, too kind and way too forgiving.

 

Body weight: After my visit to the GP, it was literally like a wake up call. I completely changed my diet, the main reason of my weight gain was food. I was eating huge portions whereas before I’d only eat smaller ones. After a couple of months, I started to lose weight – I went from 89 kg to 59 kg. Now I wear a size S/M depending on the brand and stores.

I wish I had appreciated my body back then, I know I can never have the body I once used to have (but never say never) but I’ve started to appreciate my curves. I’m yet to find my style, my old style doesn’t fit with my new body which I don’t mean it in a bad way but I want to feel comfortable and beautiful.

Something people don’t tell you about loosing weight is stretch marks. I pretty much have stretch marks everywhere! On my upper arms, tights, butt and I don’t feel comfortable wearing clothes that reveal them which I’m trying to work on it. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.

 

Mind: I have trust issues and I will probably never fully trust someone completely ever again, it’s something I have to live with it for the rest of my life. Seeing my parents marriage has made me realise what and how a marriage shouldn’t be but it has given me another fear as well. I’m scared to love someone. I don’t want my child to go through the same experience as I did. It’s probably the reason why I’m not dating or thinking about getting into a relationship. I don’t want to hurt someone and get hurt in that process. My mum has definitely been encouraging me to find someone (lol!). I don’t know, let’s see what happens I guess?

Related: Dating & Relationships in the UK vs France

 

Environment: As I said above, my mum and I are planning to move out. It’s more difficult than we anticipated for but we want to get to the bottom of it. London is very expensive and quite scary when you think about the fact we only have each other to depend on. Hopefully we’ll finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I don’t want anyone to feel pity for me because that’s not the reason I wrote this post. I’m so grateful to have an online community who support me dearly, plus I do consider you as my family/friends. If you’ve read up until now, know that it’s very much appreciated. I know this year will be the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one, I wanted to bring all of you into my new life, home, chapter, beginning – whatever you want to call it! With that said, I’m turning my insecurity into a chapter in the past.

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!

xo N

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83 Comments

  1. By the time you read this post, I have already moved! This post was written a couple of months ago and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to publish it for a very long time. I really wanted to write my story/experience in a clear and essay-like format but at the end, this was the best I could come up with 😅 I know it’s all over the place and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to write my story clearly but I hope it reaches people who need to read it.

    I’ve always wanted to share my story and document my journey ever since the day I started my blog, from that way if one day I got out of that environment (which I did), I’d be able to tell myself that I did it.

    If any of you are going through emotional abuse, domestic violence, are in a dysfunctional family or in a toxic environment – you don’t deserve any of that! So many of us don’t talk about these things out of shame, embarrassment and fear of others judging us. If I can leave this environment so can you!

    It’s not easy and it’ll be very overwhelming at first. But once you let go of all your fears and insecurity, you’ll get strength and courage to face anything. You cannot leave straightaway but trust me, whether it’s in a couple of months, weeks or years, one day you’ll get out of it!

    You’ll have to work on so many things after you leave, and it won’t be suddenly rosy and peachy. You probably will have years of scars and broken pieces inside you and it’s something you’ll have to work on for the rest of your life but you’ll get through it, the same way I’m trying to go through it.

    If you’re going through something similar and want to get help but don’t know where to start or simply want to talk, please feel free to DM on social media or email me. I’ll try my best to help you in any way I can ❤️

    1. This (initial post) must have been so hard to write but you have dine it very eloquently and also in a non ‘woe is me ‘ style…even though you would have had every justification to do so. Be proud of your achievements and progress. If you have a bad day or dark day..accept it and move on, confident that your trajectory is upwards . 😁

  2. As difficult as it was, it was good that you and your mum got out. Scars will take a long time to go. I hope the scars will get easy in time.
    I hope you and your mum find a new life that you both deserve of love. You have each other and so you are not alone. But I hope as you settle, you both find your own things you like as individuals, as well as together
    I know this post would have been very difficult to write.

  3. A big hug from me, hope you are fine now and talking with us here has opened your heart to new beautiful things, you let it go and that’s a thing a lot to be proud about!

  4. You’re so brave for writing this. It made me feel like I don’t have to be ashamed to open up about my family home. I had the quite opposite experience where I grew up thinking that I was the only one with a toxic family environment and others had perfect homes. I just remind myself now that no experience is new, someone would have had to go through it. You’re helping others by opening up and being brave enough to put yourself first 💜

    1. Agreed! Thought I was the only person going through problems with my family and friends. But, turns out, there are so many other people going through the same thing as you, and even worse 😔 stay strong!🙏💟 never be ashamed of who you are and what you’re going through.

  5. Congratulations on the move and on your next chapter in life. Reflecting on the biggest challenges and anxieties is a good way to reflect on what comes next 😊!

  6. I just want to give you a big hug after reading this! I know it’s much easier said than done, but you shouldn’t feel ashamed of any of this. Watching TV shows growing up, we’re taught that we’re supposed to look a certain way, have a wholesome family, have lives that are put together, but the truth is that life is messy.

    You didn’t get to choose your family, and you and your mom are doing your best to deal with what you were given. You have each other to hold onto, and that doesn’t count for nothing! I’m insecure about my body too, in a different way, but we only have one body and we have to live in it for the rest of our lives, so we better learn to love it and take care of it.

    1. Thank you so much lovely ❤️ you’re absolutely right, we didn’t get to choose our family but we did the best we could do when it came to loving them unconditionally. But I guess sometimes, you have to leave certain people when it becomes too toxic for yourself.

  7. Hat off for you. It takes courage to take that leap of faith. It is good to let it all out! But it is so, do, so scary to show, describe, open up, be vulnerable to everyone out there… Every time I do that I fight myself on open battle. Bug it’s a necessary step/leap.❤️

  8. Thanks for sharing your life. It does make me wonder why I’ve been crying in recent years. I never really looked at it. It might be emotional abuse. It’s true, we can learn from each other’s stories.

    1. My pleasure! I don’t know what you’re going through but one thing I know for sure is nobody deserves to cry. Hope whatever you’re going through, it gets solved and you come to the other end of it x

  9. Girl, you’re so brave for sharing such a personal story like that – and you should give yourself credit for that! I too, am a skinny girl, and I’ve been made to feel conscious about my body – especially by family members, and I think that’s the worst thing when the most hate comes from people that are supposed to ‘love’ and ‘care’ about you. It’s also really strong to keep your head up, and try not to let it affect you, cos truth is it REALLY flipping hurts. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I’m sure that you’ve inspired many people out there to open up about their own insecurities and experiences – because you’ve definitely inspired me. Thanks again!

    Nelle x

  10. Love this post! So many people can relate! I suffer from anxiety and insecurity as well. I don’t like posting pictures of myself online, which explains why I don’t have any social media besides my blog. You’re so brave for opening up. Thank you…for helping all the insecure people and those who suffer from anxiety and/or abuse out there. Keep fighting the food fight, love! 💞

  11. Incredibly brave of you to write this! I’m so glad to see more people opening up about certain issues that allow others to not feel so alone. It’s never easy to get personal for all to see, but I just know this post will reach the people that need it most. (:

  12. Absolutely beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing. I also wanted to thank you for liking my post about the interesting gematria results from initials. I really appreciate the support on my new blog. Any suggestions or tips for a new WordPress blogger like me? Thanks again!

    1. Thank you so much! You can find my blogging tips under the tab “Blogging Tips” on my blog. As for tips in general, I’d recommend to publish blog posts regularly and share them on your social media platforms.

  13. Oh baby! I am proud of you for trying to change your life for better! I can relate to a lot of things you say here too! I absolutely love the post! Keep doing what you’re doing x

  14. I’m so proud of you for sharing your story and even more to learn that you moved out from this toxic environment! Your story truly moved me as I can relate to a few aspects, especially about the family. Without going into too many details, my close family has always had some “mental health issues” (let’s call it like that). I was SO lucky that my mother decided to leave it all behind and start a separate life when I was still young (around 6 years old), it made such a difference on me and on her as well. The environment was (and still is) toxic and through the years and thanks to the distance, I’ve learned to cope with it. It’s not easy, but I do have good relationships with all my family. The most important thing is to LEAVE it, it’s only then that you’ll be able to properly heal 😊 I’m sincerly so happy you and your mom managed to do it and I wish you ALL the best to start this new chapter of your life!
    Every single person in my family has divorced at least once but I still believe I won’t have to do it and I do have healthy relationships and I can tell you, when I had my first relationship, how scared I was to find some toxic people!
    What I mean is that I KNOW for sure that you’ll pick up all the pieces of yourself that had been scattered around for so long and you’ll grow into someone much stronger, you will overcome your insecurities taking care of yourself in a healthy environment. I’m sure these moments of our lives always leave scars but I can also tell you for sure that they will shrink and even if they’ll always be there, you will learn to accept them and make the most out of them. Now you know how to deal with these people (ie leave them) and you won’t fall into this again. I know you’ll find good people out there (I swear to you, there are good guys 😉) and your mom is right, don’t be afraid of dating or meeting new people!
    Anyway, sorry for this long message, I wish you all the best and I send you all my support and all the happiest vibes I can! ❤️

    1. Thank you so much babe ❤️ I’m so sorry you had to go through that and thank you for sharing your story. Your message means a lot to me, you are too kind! 😭

  15. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to experience all of this – emotional abuse and anxiety are so difficult to experience, but wishing you and your mom the best as you start on this new chapter in your lives. 💜

  16. Thanks for sharing your story so openly. Even from afar I’m proud of you for your courage, and I know that will take you forward to heal, so take heart! I suffered from severe anxiety when I was younger. When I look back I see it was a turning point for me when I did like you just did, sharing the truth. Then everything could move for me in a positive direction. First I had to be honest with myself about my feelings, and then I practiced more and more being honest with those around me until I realized one day that I felt secure, and even confident. It was a process that took effort, but it was a little bit of effort each time I felt fearful to give myself a chance to try anyway. Small steps complete a long journey. I hope your journey has much happiness along the way!

  17. I feel the same and i said i was going to do that this year to. With each share it gets easier and easier. We all have a story to tell and as we all start talking we find our stories show us how connected we truely are

  18. I am so happy that you wrote that post. That is what is great about blogging, it is therapeutic. When you are able to write about your life, good or bad, it helps you sort through issues. It also helps other people as well. Good luck with your move, for you and your Mom. It is a huge step, but an important one. I’ll be waiting to read your next chapter.

  19. Try to forgive every one,then you will find more peace nd strengh to move on.you deserve to smile,to breath a fresh air, give yourself a chance to know the real love. There is something good in your story. You are like rock now😊Let the star in you shine to bright all darness around you.😘😘😘

    1. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive nor forget what happened but I’ve definitely moved on! Thank you so so much for your kind words 😭❤️

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