For the longest time I was debating whether or not I wanted to share this story online but whenever I shared this experience with my friends, they always tell me to share it with their younger siblings or nieces/nephews so I thought why not share it with you?
I only have a handful of close friends in real life and I always considered all my readers my online friends so I know this will benefit and help many people, it doesn’t matter what age or sex you are.
When I wanted to share this story, I literally had no idea where to start because it involves so many things. My best friend fell in love with me. My best friend became obsessed with me. My best friend stalked me. But over all the things he has done, the thing that had the biggest impact on me were his lies. I lost a best friend because he was a compulsive liar.
Have you ever got your heart broken? But have you ever experienced a heartbreak from losing your best friend? You get your heart broken while grieving for the memories you’ve made with that person.
Every single time I talk about this, everyone tells me that I had a lucky escape because they can’t imagine what would have happened to me if I didn’t cut him out of my life. This is something that can happen to a lot of men and women, especially in this day and age.
Note that I’m not throwing some of these terms lightly or using these terms to exaggerate my experience and I’m not saying that anyone who is a pathological liar has bad intentions or is negative/toxic. Sadly I’m talking about my personal experience.
I’ve briefly talked about it in one of my blog post as well. If you want to find out more about it, grab a cup of tea/coffee and keep on reading.
A LITTLE BACKSTORY
I was a tomboy and still am to a certain extent, I only had guy friends when growing up and didn’t really get along with girls. I wasn’t into girly things and would very much dress up like a boy lol! None of my guy friends were ever interested in me, some of them were in a relationship while others were single. Even if they were interested in me, they never asked me out or showed it to me which I’m super thankful because it might have changed the dynamic we had.
As you already know, I never had a serious relationship and I don’t like the idea of dating a friend. Once you become romantically involved with someone, god forbid something happens between the two of us, there’s no way you can still be ‘friends’ with that person. Dating a friend makes things even more complicated because we could never go back as being friends again and we would never have the relationship we once had before becoming a ‘couple’. You lose both a friend and partner. For me friendships are much more precious than a romantic relationship, my boyfriend can be my best friend but my best friend cannot be my boyfriend (if that makes any sense).
Unfortunately, coming from a dysfunctional family I’ve already encountered many people who were quite controlling and manipulative ever since a young age. You would think as I grew older that I’d be able to spot one very easily (which is the case now) but back when I first moved to the UK, it wasn’t really the case.
THE FIRST MEETING
We first met in a classroom where there were dozens of other students with us, funnily enough it was my first day of college, he noticed me and asked for my name and that was it. Then a couple of weeks later, he sat next to me and that’s when we properly started to talk to each other. We talked about everything and anything.
I remember he was really trying to make me laugh with his silly jokes. He was quite open and social. As days went on, we’d bump into each other whether it was in the corridors or classrooms and we would get the opportunity to catch up. It seemed like we had many things in common, we were both only children and we had the same ambitions.
I have to admit that I instantly liked him, he had this warm personality and a great sense of humour that would make you smile and laugh until your stomach hurt. In my mind I knew straightaway we would be BFFs. Little did I know that what made me drawn to him was just an illusion.
THE FIRST RED FLAG
This was probably the reason how we became friends in the first place and the biggest red flag I missed. After a couple of weeks, he came out of nowhere and was telling me what his friends were talking about me which weren’t really nice things.
I was a bit taken aback, not because of what his friends were talking about me (because they were some immature boys to put in the nicest way possible and they were still in the mindset of a high school student) because I wasn’t really surprised by that. But it was more due to the way he told me. I wasn’t expecting that from him.
I can’t explain what my mind went through at that moment but I didn’t like the fact that he was telling me what they were saying behind my back because that was none of my business and I didn’t care one bit about their opinions. He didn’t need nor have to tell me and I couldn’t understand why he was telling me.
You could say I got angry and backed away from him but he had the complete opposite reaction. He started to hang with me more often and he wouldn’t leave me by myself. After that day, without even noticing we became really good friends. We had mutual friends and ended up being in the same circle of friends so we’d be around each other quite often. I forgot this incident and didn’t take it to heart. We were young and I thought this was him being silly.
I know what you are saying, I should have noticed that if his friends were like that then he probably was like them as well. But in some aspects, he was completely different than them which was the reason why I didn’t put him in the same boat as them.
THE GREAT TIME
We had great conversations. He was quite open about his childhood, upbringing, family which were all things that I wouldn’t even bring up or ask in our conversation but he was always happy to talk about those things. He would tell me things that I didn’t even ask and he was always honest about everything. Those were all lies.
We never really were that close compared to my other guy friends but we had a different type of closeness. We both had a deep understanding and respect for each other’s goals whether it was professional or personal. We made so many great memories with our friends. I always had an amazing time when he was around or when he was amongst our friends.
WHITE LIES VS COMPULSIVE LIES
It’s really hard for me to tell the story from now on in a chronological order, without telling you what I know now. The events that follow from now are the hardest part to talk about because of what I discovered later on in the future.
I want to talk about the difference between a liar and pathological liar so you could have a better understanding of what actually happened. We all lie sometimes whether it’s to avoid something, not to hurt someone’s feelings or to avoid getting into trouble. The list goes on but these are lies that are harmless. These are considered white lies, there is a reason/motive behind the lie and you gain benefit from doing so.
On the other hand, a pathological liar is the complete opposite. A pathological liar tells lies or stories that do not have a reason or benefit behind them. They believe their lies to be the truth and their lives are based around those lies. They are really good at convincing you and their lies are usually very detailed and sometimes over-the-top, to the point they don’t know how to differentiate their lies and the actual truth.
They are either the hero or victim in their stories and they want to gain admiration & sympathy from others. Their lies turn into a habit and it’s very difficult for them to control their lies. I had no idea that he was a liar at that time, let alone a pathological liar. I literally had to find the hard way.
THE FIRST MOVE
It’s something you might have guessed but even now when I look back, I didn’t have a clue about it. He revealed that he had feelings for me and he literally proposed to me. Yup, you read it right.
The proposal in itself was super weird, he didn’t tell any of those things to me in person nor through the phone (call or messages). He was telling it as if it was to a third person, overall it was very confusing and weird. At first, I thought it was one of his silly jokes and didn’t believe him.
I want to mention that his decision might have been influenced by so many things, everyone was in a relationship or at least dating around us which I’m not trying to justify his actions or feelings but this is something normal. Having feelings for another person or telling them about your feelings isn’t a bad thing at all and isn’t something you should feel ashamed of or embarrassed. If the other person is interested then good for you, if they aren’t then at least you tried.
Anyway back to the story, I didn’t take it as a big of a deal. I didn’t even reply or answer him back because there was pretty much nothing to say. I was still under 18, living my life, had my whole education/career ahead of me but most importantly – I didn’t have any of those feelings towards him and we weren’t even dating each other. Plus we had only known each other for 5/6 months at that time.
THE OTHER SIDE
After this whole thing, things started to change for the worse. I pretty much started to see the other side of him or shall I say the real side. He was thinking that I had feelings for him but I didn’t want to reveal or say to him for ‘whatever reasons’. I tried multiple times telling him that he was just my friend but he didn’t take that as an answer.
He started to treat me very differently. He was acting in a very arrogant manner like he had this sense of superiority over me. He always brought up the subject of money and power, for example how his family knew influential people or the materialistic things or properties his family had.
He would bring up the subject of marriage and say he didn’t know if he wanted to marry me which was so weird because I wasn’t even interested in him and we weren’t dating or in a relationship. I remember one time, he told me he was thinking about breaking up with me – like excuse me what are you talking about? He was acting in a delusional way.
He started to ask me very personal and intrusive questions such as where my parents were working (the address), my parents names, the picture of my parents, etc. that’s when I realised how little I knew of him. The things he would tell me were all generalised whereas the things he would ask me were very straight to the point, he wanted precise and detailed answers.
In addition, you could say he was jealous and insecure. If someone was better than him in any way, shape or form, he hated that. He was quite shocked when he found out I was getting good grades. He couldn’t believe it. Other guys would come up to me and ask me to help them for their essays. Later on in the day, he would tell me that they were taking advantage of me and he was really possessive about it.
Another thing I noticed is whenever he was feeling down or sad, if I tried to cheer him up, he would criticise me and try to make me feel bad. He mistook my kindness and politeness to vulnerability and fragility, he would try to belittle me and take advantage of me that’s where I pretty much drew the line and had enough of him.
I ignored him, didn’t respond to his texts and stopped talking to him. It’s the moment he realised that I wasn’t interested in him at all. At first he was very rude about it but then he went back to himself so I thought things would turn how they used to be before this all happened.
At that point, I didn’t even put too much importance on himself/this issue. I had so many things going around in my personal life and he was pretty much the least of my concern. I didn’t really care about him, in my mind he was just one of those immature boys. When I think back, he was doing so many things but I had other things to prioritise so I didn’t even pay attention to what he was doing which was probably a mistake.
You could say that I should have avoided him but the thing was we had mutual friends and we had the same classes. He would pretty much be with us (my friends and I) 24/7 so I didn’t want things to be awkward between us and I thought what he had for me was just infatuation which was completely normal at that age. So I didn’t make a big deal out of it which was a mistake.
THE WEB OF LIES
This is the part where I was caught in his web of lies and started to question his honesty. I was such a trusting person and I never questioned his stories or his honesty because he was my friend. I didn’t understand what he would gain from lying to me.
His stories kept getting crazier and crazier to the point they were unrealistic to me, and I didn’t know what to trust anymore. It seemed like I was the only one questioning while all my friends were blinded by the love and affection they had for him. Everyone trusted, loved and cared for him.
It even annoyed me that they couldn’t see something wasn’t right with him but what could I say, I didn’t share any of the things he had told me nor the way he acted towards me to any of them. They simply didn’t know him at that time.
The last straw was when he told me he was terminally ill. I believed him. The stories were getting over-the-top but they all seemed realistic. He had to go to the hospital. He had an appointment to attend. He couldn’t write his essays because he wasn’t feeling well. How could I have known that he was faking his illness?
When I found out the truth and confronted him about it, it was the most awkward confrontation ever. He wanted to see my reaction and know how I would react if he was ever in that situation – while laughing. I’ve always prided myself on being a very understanding and compassionate person but I couldn’t take this anymore. I couldn’t comprehend how a person was able to lie about something so terrible like this, it was very insensitive and horrible.
For every lie he got caught up, he had an excuse and his behaviour was weird to me. How many excuses have you prepared for the lies you’ve told? I knew he was using me for his own gains and I didn’t know if he had been my friend for even one second. We weren’t best friends anymore (at least to me), we were just classmates, peers, acquaintances or whatever you want to call it. But we were definitely not friends and I don’t think he ever noticed the shift in our relationship.
I didn’t want to be in an awkward situation with my friends having to choose him or me. I didn’t want to affect the relationship I had with others because of him and vice versa. I didn’t want them to believe his lies.
Have you heard the saying things will get worse before they get better? I like to think that any bad situations can turn into something good eventually, I’ve seen it happen so many times and I’ve even experienced it myself. But something I’ve learnt is the fact it doesn’t happen while staying in that same situation, you have to get away from it and that’s what I did in this situation.
Funnily enough, it was the day after my birthday. Everything unravelled. All his lies, excuses and reasons behind everything – including his creepy obsession towards me. I realised he wasn’t my friend and never was my friend to begin with which was really hurtful and disappointing.
As a Scorpio, the thing I hate the most is lies. I hate being lied to. I put up with way too many things because I didn’t want to be in an awkward situation when we were with our friends and other people. I didn’t want to fell drained going to classes because he was there. I didn’t want to avoid my friends because he was there with them. The only thing that I can be certain of is I didn’t do anything wrong. I was always kind and understanding towards him which was probably the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.
He wanted me for his own gains and benefits and I cannot tell you how messed up this entire situation was. As I mentioned previously, he developed this unhealthy obsession which was very apparent and other people started to notice it as well including our professors, friends and other people in general. I cannot tell how creepy and weird it was, he started doing things which was out of the norm and very extreme – these things only happen in TV shows or films! I finally decided it was over.
THE NEW LIFE
After our friendship ended (or shall I say after I cut him out of my life), we never spoke to each other ever again. Our friends were very curious to find the reasons why I wasn’t talking to him anymore but I told them firmly I wasn’t comfortable talking or being around him anymore. They were trying to say good things about him and create this good impression of him but as weeks on, they knew it wasn’t going to change my opinion.
I am not the type of person to say you should stop being friends with someone because I don’t feel comfortable around them, that’s not my thing. But I guess if they were really my close friends, they would have known I wouldn’t stop talking to anyone without a good reason. Obviously, every year I met new people and had new friends (that sounds so bad lol!) so anytime we were in social gatherings, my old friends would bring him up in our conversations so I had to mention what happened to my new friends.
They were actually more than understanding and completely got what I went through. They even knew about him before I told them anything, they sensed that he didn’t look like the person he pretended to be which was a relief because I didn’t have to explain every single thing that happened to me – they got it. You would think that it was the end of the story, nope you’re wrong.
When I thought everything was finally over, it still wasn’t. We are talking about years, not months or weeks after this event. This happened while I was 17/18 and this continued until last year, hopefully it ended for good last year.
In the meantime, we both changed colleges/universities and our courses so obviously there’s no way to see each other or to have the same circle of friends again. I still kept in touch with my old friends but as you know, we are all too busy with our own lives so we don’t get to talk to each other that often.
Some got engaged, married, had children or moved to other countries for work reasons. To be completely honest, I completely forgot about him (but I never forgot what he made me go through) and I was simply living my life.
On the other hand, he didn’t. He was still very much talking about me and trying to find out what I was doing and everything that was going on in my life. He has such a twisted mind, I can’t even describe how creepy it is. He befriended people that could potentially be in the same uni/classes as me to keep an eye on me. Obviously these people had no idea what happened and they didn’t know they were puppets in his game.
One of them literally blurted out everything during a class that’s pretty much how I found out he was keeping tabs on me. He was doing the same thing with our old (common) friends as well but they started to realise that the only reason he stayed in touch with them was to find information about me so they pretty much lied to him that I was in a relationship & got engaged and cut ties with him soon after that.
He believed them for a year or two but wasn’t convinced. He literally stalked me which I didn’t even realise. He went to look up at my previous address and stayed in touch with our old professors, etc. When he reached the point he couldn’t find anything about me, he sent me a message and wrote this whole paragraph about how he still had feelings for me and that he wanted to see me in person.
Note that I couldn’t understand his message for a good day or two because it was unreadable. By that point, I completely forgot about him so I was kind of shocked to see his name pop up on my phone. Needless to say, I didn’t respond.
This is one of the strangest situations I’ve ever experienced. As time went on, I discovered a lot more things and started to connect the dots together. He is a pathological liar and might have other issues going on in his life, who knows?
You go through different stages of feelings, at first it’s hatred. You can’t believe that you went through things that you didn’t even deserve in the first place. The memories you’ve made, the things you’ve opened and shared – everything infuriates you! The unnecessary time wasted to differentiate between his lies and the truth.
Then you go through guilt, you question yourself if you might have been the reason this lead onto this. Did I give him mixed signals? Was I too close to him? Did I love & care for him way too much?
At last, you go through fear. You realise what type of person he really is and how dangerous this situation could have been if I didn’t realise it in time. His behaviour was completely abnormal and nobody can justify his actions. Even now, I still can’t wrap my head around this entire experience.
THE RED FLAGS
If there’s one thing that I want to tell you from my experience is how to spot red flags. I know I’ll never put myself or anyone I know in that situation again. Don’t worry, you might not meet compulsive liars or go through a similar experience but it’s very important that you don’t spend time in an unhealthy & toxic relationship whether it’s a romantic or platonic one.
I met this person in one of my lectures, who could believe that it would turn into this mess? Sometimes it’s really hard to spot and take into consideration a red flag because of the unconditional trust you have for that person. But you have to get away from them, it doesn’t matter if it’s a parent, sibling, friend, relative, partner, co-worker, professor, etc.
There are so many warning signs which you shouldn’t brush away. Here are some examples and if you can check one or many of these points then trust me, don’t waste anymore time with that person.
The lies range from everything and anything to the point it starts getting confusing and frustrating because it’s hard to differentiate whether that person is telling the truth or a lie.
✘ Taking advantage.
It often seems like you are the one who is giving and not getting anything back in return. You don’t even notice that they are taking advantage of you because there is always a perfect reason for them to seek help from you.
✘ Making you feel bad.
They have a fragile ego and they hate to be criticised so they’ll belittle and make you feel bad in order to make themselves feel better and to feel superior than you.
✘ Wanting to know everything.
There’s no such thing as minding their own business when it comes to you. They want to know every single detail about your life, your secrets, your friends, your childhood, etc. in order to control you and be always close to you.
✘ Manipulating others.
They are the master of manipulation.
✘ It’s always about them.
They want to be treated as they are above anybody else and they love to be admired, they disregard the feelings of anyone in that process. It doesn’t matter what you’re going through, they are always going through something much worse.
EXAMPLES OF PATHOLOGICAL LYING
When this entire post is about my experience with a pathological liar, it didn’t seem fair that I didn’t include examples of those lies. I don’t want anyone to go through the same or a similar experience like mine.
Check the warning signs and get away from that person as soon as possible. So if you’re going through the same experience as I did then you can definitely relate to all of the things below.
✘ telling lies or stories that don’t have a benefit or reason behind it.
✘ telling stories that are usually dramatic, complicated and detailed. Even though some of them can be over-the-top, they are really good at convincing you.
✘ they don’t show common signs of lying such as long pauses or avoiding eye contact when telling the lies.
✘ they are either the hero or the victim in their stories gaining admiration, sympathy or acceptance by others.
✘ they believe the lies they tell. When you ask questions, they might speak a lot without really answering the question or being specific about anything.
✘ they are eloquent and know how to engage with others when speaking. They are very social in that aspect.
✘ telling they’ve achieved or experienced something they haven’t.
✘ claiming to have a life-threatening illness that they don’t have.
✘ telling lies to impress others such as saying they know a famous person.
A FINAL NOTE.
Friend heartbreak is just as bad if not worse than actual heartbreak. When I look back, he thought if I was caught in his web of lies, I would fall in love with him – but I didn’t. He wanted to look like this perfect person to me, he wanted me to open up and trust him in order to control me.
If you’ve read until now, thank you for reading. It took me a long time to write this post and I’m still struggling to believe that people like him actually exist in this world. This definitely had an impact on my romantic/dating life. How can I ever date a guy? How can I be sure that person has true intentions towards me? How can I be sure that person isn’t lying to me? In all honesty, I don’t have an answer for all these questions.
But I guess life is all about taking risks and chances. You’ll never know how something is going to turn out whether it’s about a person you meet, a decision you make or an action you do – you’ll have no idea.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!